I feel so devastated today

I’ve never really been what you would call a sharer. What I mean by that is, I’m not really good at sharing my fears, emotions or feelings of joy. I don’t want to be a burden.

Why am I like that? I’ve been hurt and my trust has been betrayed so many times that I can’t put it out there anymore.

When I was 14 my dad left me and I had to grow up overnight. I missed out on so many of the childhood experiences that should have been mine for the taking. I was a daddy’s girl through and through and I was devastated by his death. From then on my role has been care taker and peace keeper and now, I am exhausted.

I was so emotionally stunted that I got married at 19 thinking that idiot would change everything, when really all he did was make it worse. At first it wasn’t so bad to be emotionally abused. I finally got divorced from that idiot, it was the hardest thing to do. I had to pull myself up with Amsyar and Almirah and really see what was going on and it took a while but I finally got out.

With no self confidence or self worth to speak of I threw myself into my work and quickly became the best that I could be, because maybe I could get some sort of validation from a job. Someone would see me and think that I was worth something.

My life now is full of demands on my time, from work to my fiance, and most of all my kids. I don’t have time for myself, ever.

I deserve a short getaway, because I really need one. I need to have some time, some where that I can completely decompress. If I don’t “win” I’m sure I will be fine, however I would love the chance to just, be.

Just be, without any demands on my time but my own. I’m not really sure what that is like, but I’m sure I’d love it.