Thank you ALLAH....

My reflection in the mirror said alot, but, who am I again? I didn’t see the same person every morning anymore. It just stared at me, mimicking what I’m doing. I didn’t really like that person. After the sun has set, I’m not who I used to be. I needed to reside in me again, took my own reflection into hands.

I needed some time to recollect myself.

Shukur to ALLAH S.W.T, glad I did it.

When one can’t seem to be in a realistic position, one tends to turn away. I’ve turned away on alot of things. Things which makes me happy, which used to make me smile. Isolate one self does help and it’s the only comfort zone that I could turn lay upon.

An evidence of my predisposition to draw and establish boundaries is that I get frustrated when I find myself in the throes of grappling for some form of balance in my life. Maybe it’s an idiosyncratic trait that I have. Or maybe it’s just plain, inexcusable madness; an obsessive behavior.

I always strive to define the boundaries of how I spend my time. Keeping a tight plan and defining what’s and when’s help me find my balance.

Then again, I must admit that once in a while, an elusive part of me surfaces. As much as I need structure, there’s a part of me that wants to suspend time, free my mind from its delimiting effect and escape to an obscure place where schedules, deadlines, time lines, objectives and achievements don’t exist; where time isn’t of any substance and structure holds no value.

The anxieties that build up when I start feeling like I’m either running against time, or time is running against me, makes me wish I had the power to stop and control it or had the means to completely escape it.

I haven’t done enough good things. I need to find time to pause and recollect. I need to spend more time with my friends and family. I need time to socialize with my friends and experience the world. I need time to pave my career path. I need time to figure out what I want to do. I have to act now or else I’ll get stuck. I need to manage my time so I can do more things. I need to let time stand still so I can balance myself once more.

A week of that was an enriching experience. It’s like I’m learning to understand those parts of me which yet to be discovered. It’s like I’m acknowledging my doppelganger to work hand in hand with the ‘other’ me, the good and bad, a balance of both worlds which resonates an ultimate self control. It’s like I was given a second chance, rose right from the grave to battle it out yet again and fix things which I’ve given up on. I realized, when there’s a will there’s a way. Everyone is born great yet it is up to us to exert our potentials vigorously to the fullest. Commentaries & failures are mandatory along the way but what’s more important is how we extract the final judgment out of it. Everything lies back on what we want to grasp upon. Plus life is short so why waste it?

I have so many things to learn. Slowly but surely, I know something good will comes out from all of this. Thanks Awyn, Nurwati and my dear Fyza for your support, encouragement and motivation given in relation to my problems. Thanks for making me aware that I was rather clouded by my own emotions to see the bird’s eye view of things. I’ll try to keep an open mind and heart to outline such issues from many angles and to scoop only the positives out of it instead of dwelling on all negatives. You guys were great. Truly appreciate your advice! Thanks for patting my back and believing in me. I’m much more contented & toned down now. Many thanks people! *hugs*

Murni signing off feeling...CONTENTED