Thank you ALLAH....

My reflection in the mirror said alot, but, who am I again? I didn’t see the same person every morning anymore. It just stared at me, mimicking what I’m doing. I didn’t really like that person. After the sun has set, I’m not who I used to be. I needed to reside in me again, took my own reflection into hands.

I needed some time to recollect myself.

Shukur to ALLAH S.W.T, glad I did it.

When one can’t seem to be in a realistic position, one tends to turn away. I’ve turned away on alot of things. Things which makes me happy, which used to make me smile. Isolate one self does help and it’s the only comfort zone that I could turn lay upon.

An evidence of my predisposition to draw and establish boundaries is that I get frustrated when I find myself in the throes of grappling for some form of balance in my life. Maybe it’s an idiosyncratic trait that I have. Or maybe it’s just plain, inexcusable madness; an obsessive behavior.

I always strive to define the boundaries of how I spend my time. Keeping a tight plan and defining what’s and when’s help me find my balance.

Then again, I must admit that once in a while, an elusive part of me surfaces. As much as I need structure, there’s a part of me that wants to suspend time, free my mind from its delimiting effect and escape to an obscure place where schedules, deadlines, time lines, objectives and achievements don’t exist; where time isn’t of any substance and structure holds no value.

The anxieties that build up when I start feeling like I’m either running against time, or time is running against me, makes me wish I had the power to stop and control it or had the means to completely escape it.

I haven’t done enough good things. I need to find time to pause and recollect. I need to spend more time with my friends and family. I need time to socialize with my friends and experience the world. I need time to pave my career path. I need time to figure out what I want to do. I have to act now or else I’ll get stuck. I need to manage my time so I can do more things. I need to let time stand still so I can balance myself once more.

A week of that was an enriching experience. It’s like I’m learning to understand those parts of me which yet to be discovered. It’s like I’m acknowledging my doppelganger to work hand in hand with the ‘other’ me, the good and bad, a balance of both worlds which resonates an ultimate self control. It’s like I was given a second chance, rose right from the grave to battle it out yet again and fix things which I’ve given up on. I realized, when there’s a will there’s a way. Everyone is born great yet it is up to us to exert our potentials vigorously to the fullest. Commentaries & failures are mandatory along the way but what’s more important is how we extract the final judgment out of it. Everything lies back on what we want to grasp upon. Plus life is short so why waste it?

I have so many things to learn. Slowly but surely, I know something good will comes out from all of this. Thanks Awyn, Nurwati and my dear Fyza for your support, encouragement and motivation given in relation to my problems. Thanks for making me aware that I was rather clouded by my own emotions to see the bird’s eye view of things. I’ll try to keep an open mind and heart to outline such issues from many angles and to scoop only the positives out of it instead of dwelling on all negatives. You guys were great. Truly appreciate your advice! Thanks for patting my back and believing in me. I’m much more contented & toned down now. Many thanks people! *hugs*

Murni signing off feeling...CONTENTED

I Hate Hypocrites

You say one thing, yet do another. They say they hate something, yet they themselves are doing it. I know that just frustrate me too. I want to grab them by the neck and shake them senseless and say, "Hey, get a clue!" But, for some better reason, maybe a jail term, I have decided maybe that I just don't want to approach the issue that way.

I guess I feel sorry for hypocrites because there is inconsistency in their mental programming. I like using computer analogies with people. Their computer programming is in conflict. For their words are saying one thing and their actions are doing another. There has got to be all kinds of conflicts in their lives. Just think about it. They have to have two sets of internal thought programs going on; one to run their mouth and one to run their actions.

I know some women can't stand all those guys who do not know how to discuss all their problems, fears, and emotions with you; they are just so shut down emotionally. A man discusses something with some woman and then the man is manipulated and controlled, with their emotions being used against them. Then the man gives in and begins to share. The woman then complains and cries and frets about how her man doesn't totally love her, because of that something he confided to her. The man's inadequacies are used against him, his emotions are controlled to get what she wants. She complains that he doesn't share and doesn't trust her love, yet her love is not accepting and safe. His confessions become a way for the woman to feel safe because she now feels that she understands her man, and that understanding gives her the resources to get him to do what she wants. She feels that he should feel safe with her, yet she may never feel safe with him until she is in a position to control, but then she complains about men that are controlling. She puts down men and then complains that men are so relationally shut-down to women. Her words say one thing; her actions say another. We wonder about all the power struggles and fault blaming that goes on in our relationships. We then complain about everyone who get us to confess our faults to them and then try to force us to change. Some use those confessions to control us.

I don't know about others, but I just hate those hypocrites and want to grab the closest hypocrite and shake them senseless.

DAMN I HATE THIS PART!!!!

They didn't beat or lock me in a closet. Instead, they toys with my emotions in regard of securing their own. I genuinely do not like them with almost every fiber of my being -- and some people find this hard to accept. Although I do feel horrible about walking around with all this angerness & disdain inside me, I’m tired of feeling like I am a bad person for disliking someone who really deserves it. I am always on an emotional roller coaster whenever I’m around them and its taking my whole life to heal from it.

They blames everyone but not themselves for how things have turned out and will deny and reflect anything that conflicts with their own reality. They has hurt me so much that I have to keep my distance away from them. Many of times I have thought my life would be so much easier without having to deal with them vaingloriousness, irrational thoughts and generally just being emotionally unavailable in all respects. They can never say they are SORRY for anything; they will turn it into a pity party. They always puts someone down, even exposes the dirty laundry of their own kith & kin callously.

From a young age, my life has evolved around my own needs, wants & expectations. It’s hard and it is breaking me to pieces because there is a child part of me who yearns for that familial bond and who wants to give it back just as much as they endows but they stripped that beautiful dream of me. I am often left bleeding alone, constantly in the dark with nothing to cling on.

There are often times I am insecure and pessimistic about myself, always grappling for a strong self esteem to pull me through this labyrinth. Knowing that whatever I do will never be enough for them, tangled me in the loop again, questioning my own being. So is it wrong if I despise everything they did that made me so vulnerable and emotionally debased today? Why is it fair that they spews at me and then act like nothing happened? Or I am to take the higher road and constantly ignoring it as to not start any war between us? I tell myself that one day they will realize where they went wrong and what they missed out on but honestly I don’t know if they ever will. I’ve given up on trying to be their ‘perfect’ sister and friend. I’ve given up on trying to please them 24/7. I’ve given up on THEM completely. Can’t they just accept for who I am? Just be proud of me for the person I am? Yet I wonder if they truly knows me in the first place to be able to embrace me as I am.I am still long for that relationship they robbed me of but the hope is getting bleaker in every passing day that I am afraid to instill hope anymore.What kind of unfeeling monster must I be?

Ya ALLAH...Berikanlah insan mu ini panduan dalam menjalani kehidupan yang penuh dengan dugaan...AMIN...

Murni signing off feeling...VULNERABLE

My Engagement

Alhamdulillah. It was on this date that I was betrothed to the love of my life, my dear Mr Elfie Iskandar. I am grateful to Allah the Almighty. It was a dream come true and it was the fulfillment of God's promise. (",*)


My family has always stood by my side, and I always knew who would help and back me up. I am especially grateful to my mother, my greatest friend for all times, for her understanding and wisdom. She seemed to understand me even when I myself hardly did, and could always find such words that would offer me a sound view of the situation and give hope for the better. To my arwah dad and nenek. For me both of them was always the source of stability, confidence and family warmth. Dad n Nenek gave me the feeling of assurance, for I knew they would always stand for me and love me, no matter what happened even when they are not around to witness my engagement, they will always be in my heart.

I am very grateful to my relatives and friends, because they presented me with a unique gift: the awareness that you are loved not because you are beautiful, clever, perspective or rich - you are loved as you are, and will be loved irrespective of anything.

Chickadees, thank you for being wonderful bestfriends, and more recently - for helping me to go through the engagement preparations, and patiently listening to all the engagement vents whenever they arose - even in the middle of the night, offering a piece of advice and helping to plan everything.

Dear parents, dear friends and relatives,
You have all been so kind to me that I can hardly know what words to pick to express my gratitude for you. I was very glad to see all my close people at the engagement. Thank you for coming and sharing my great day.

Last but not least, my dear Elfie Iskandar, I'd like you to know how much I cherish every time spent with you, all your support and affection.

It seems to me now that I've always known him, Elfie was always ready to accompany me, set me laughing or comfort me and say how he loved me. I know that there is absolutely nothing that he won't do for me, and nothing I wouldn't do for him. He filled these two years with an unforgettable feeling of mutual affection, and I can hardly imagine my life without his daily calls & his incessant care. I love you, my dear fiance, and I am fortunate to have found you. I step into this engagement world with a light and happy heart, I am holding your heart and I know that we will overcome everything. Amin.

Thank you all. I am blessed to have such lovely people around me. May the warmth & joy bounce back to all of you!

Love you all to bits! (",*)

Down the memory lane:
1) Cik Leha, Faidah & Maisah for the 2 baskets of gubahan
2) Cik Imah for the Cake, Basket of Fruits & Bunga Rampai
3) Wak Embem for the Chicken Pies & Potpuries
4) Awiyah for the Lovely Frutty Jelly
5) Bibik Mahani for the Serikaya Tarts
6) Kak Nia & Family for the lovely Chocolate Cuppies and Sweety Oranges

Thank you everyone....actually perjanjian is 4 dulang...but then hahahahaha...unexpected arrivals of more dulang came from my family....thank you so much everyone....

Thanks Leeya, Adik Nana, Hafizah Hasssan, Fridah, Rozita, Seniyatee, Wati,Awiyah, Razi,Siti Radiah, Atikah, Sheerin, Filzah, Ain, Raziman, Anies for coming too.

Thanks again!(",*)

Murni signing off feeling...BUBBLY

FaceBooking

I'm on Facebook. I got hooked that it becomes a norm for me to check it first thing in the morning. You can call me downright nosey as I love the fact that I know which one of my school friends have got married, had a kid or have some other interesting fact going on that I can discuss in depth with them whom I still see regularly. Sad but true, it revolutionized the way in which we gossip and the quality of the content we can gossip about. Facebook has become my savior in so many ways thanks to this.

It seems like everyone has a Facebook account. Rather then having an awkward conversation with someone whom I used to be really close to, I can save the ineptitude of the abrupt end of the brief meeting with an offer to catch-up properly, by saying, "I’ll Facebook you!'.

In short, I like Facebook and even dare to say that it is better than Friendster! I think it is well built and substantially maintained. Plus, it’s cool! I anticipate in its next-step way, even visionary. Facebook has continued to grow. It may have been a glorified address book but I think it is quickly moving beyond that and will continue to in the near future.

So people, I’m officially Facebook-ing. See you there! *winks*

Murni signing off feeling excited...