DAMN I HATE THIS PART!!!!

They didn't beat or lock me in a closet. Instead, they toys with my emotions in regard of securing their own. I genuinely do not like them with almost every fiber of my being -- and some people find this hard to accept. Although I do feel horrible about walking around with all this angerness & disdain inside me, I’m tired of feeling like I am a bad person for disliking someone who really deserves it. I am always on an emotional roller coaster whenever I’m around them and its taking my whole life to heal from it.

They blames everyone but not themselves for how things have turned out and will deny and reflect anything that conflicts with their own reality. They has hurt me so much that I have to keep my distance away from them. Many of times I have thought my life would be so much easier without having to deal with them vaingloriousness, irrational thoughts and generally just being emotionally unavailable in all respects. They can never say they are SORRY for anything; they will turn it into a pity party. They always puts someone down, even exposes the dirty laundry of their own kith & kin callously.

From a young age, my life has evolved around my own needs, wants & expectations. It’s hard and it is breaking me to pieces because there is a child part of me who yearns for that familial bond and who wants to give it back just as much as they endows but they stripped that beautiful dream of me. I am often left bleeding alone, constantly in the dark with nothing to cling on.

There are often times I am insecure and pessimistic about myself, always grappling for a strong self esteem to pull me through this labyrinth. Knowing that whatever I do will never be enough for them, tangled me in the loop again, questioning my own being. So is it wrong if I despise everything they did that made me so vulnerable and emotionally debased today? Why is it fair that they spews at me and then act like nothing happened? Or I am to take the higher road and constantly ignoring it as to not start any war between us? I tell myself that one day they will realize where they went wrong and what they missed out on but honestly I don’t know if they ever will. I’ve given up on trying to be their ‘perfect’ sister and friend. I’ve given up on trying to please them 24/7. I’ve given up on THEM completely. Can’t they just accept for who I am? Just be proud of me for the person I am? Yet I wonder if they truly knows me in the first place to be able to embrace me as I am.I am still long for that relationship they robbed me of but the hope is getting bleaker in every passing day that I am afraid to instill hope anymore.What kind of unfeeling monster must I be?

Ya ALLAH...Berikanlah insan mu ini panduan dalam menjalani kehidupan yang penuh dengan dugaan...AMIN...

Murni signing off feeling...VULNERABLE